not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
