it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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