Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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