so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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