Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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