Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
