Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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