your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
