there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think your dad took our porno
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
