Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Pappa wants mamma naked
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
