I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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