I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
