I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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