I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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