I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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