I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
