The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
