I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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