Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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