I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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