I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
