i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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