Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
