Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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