my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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