im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
