good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
