Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
