The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
