god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
