Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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