I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
