I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
