i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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