im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
