They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
