got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
