I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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