you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
