Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Randomize
