I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
