Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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