She just used a chaser for red wine.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
