Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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