You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm just crazy horny about you
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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