I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
