Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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