The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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