we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
