Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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