well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
