why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
