i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
