At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
