Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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