Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
