I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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