its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
