god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
