Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
