I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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