i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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