so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize