I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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