I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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