My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
