I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
