I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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